i’m at the O’Hare Chili’s. neil diamond is on. that is inconsequential.
i’m alone.
i had a tough discussion with Shaz last night. life is getting harder. i’m trying to understand how to go from an R/NC-17 rated life to a more G/PG life. especially where it comes to my love life. when one has lived a life of physical and emotional impurity, how does one go about getting it back? how can one shift from 5th to 1st without dropping the clutch and ruining the transmission?
this is where i’m at right now. my clutch is grinding, and i can smell it’s metallic heat. it’ll only be a matter of time before the bolts fall off and i have no more forward motion.
i’ve equated aspects of relationships to love. sex=love, lust=love, drugs+lust+sex= love= a big depraved mess. no matter how the equation adds up it always ended in tragedy. how do i purify myself to be able to move past all those false emotions, find the real theorem, the real equation. how do i discern the givens from the falsehoods. how do i find the righteous path to true love, Godly love. to my ‘one’?
i came to the realization last night that i don’t feel like i’m ready for marriage yet, despite everything i have thought and felt before. emotionally, and financially- i’m drained. i don’t want to bring that into a marriage. spiritually, i’m still an infant. although i’m growing in my faith daily, i’m nowhere prepared to be the spiritual leader of a home, of a family. i have a ton of growing to do. where do i go from here? if i’m not ready to for marriage, do i have any business dating? how do i get to know someone if i am unable to stop myself from becoming emotionally attached?
my Lord Jesus,
i’m searching for an answer. God please come, please show me what you want for me. show me the way. teach me. allow me to grow to be more like You. allow me to be who you intended me to be. if i have to be alone, so be it. that will be what has to be done, if only to do it right by you.
my God, my Lord, my Shepard. in your Son’s name- Amen
March 3, 2008 at 7:23 pm
For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, Reuben. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can, and I don’t think God or anybody can expect more than your best.
March 4, 2008 at 4:06 pm
ps: i wrote a poem once about being in the airport with bobby darin.
March 30, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Dude,
Powerful post.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been married for 12 years, and I’m still not spiritually ready to be the leader of a household.
The cool thing is that God doesn’t necessarily want us to be spiritually ready, he wants us to be spiritually open to what he has for us.
I was in the same boat as you (except for the drugs) and was even engaged and living with “what’s her name” at the time. Date set, the whole thing. Then I met Joni around easter of ‘92, and in the midst of my sin, God told me that what I was chasing wasn’t what he had in store for me.
That was in 92. 4 years and a lot of physical “withdrawal” later, I married Joni.
Be humble. You are. Be like clay. You are. You’ve made poor choices. We all have. God is still in control and had GREAT plans for you.
Out.
July 11, 2008 at 1:16 am
Reuben, don’t EVER think that it’s too late to ’start over’. The right girl will come and she will love you regardless of what you’ve done in your past. If God can forgive you (which he certainly has!) than so can the woman you will spend the rest of your life with. Satan’s going to try to keep reminding you of your sin and make you feel as awful about it as he can but the awesome thing that you have to hold on to is that you are forgiven.
Doug’s right…..you’ll never be spiritually ready….I’d love for someone to give me a definition of that
Keep chasing after God and sometime along the way, you’re going to find a girl that is running just as fast as you. I have found in my relationship with Brad that it’s not how much Biblical knowledge we each know or how long we’ve been a Follower of Christ, but how fast we’re running. Are we both seeking Jesus with a similar ferocity?
I really admire and commend you on your desire to change your standards. That’s such a hard thing to do but God will give you strength.
July 11, 2008 at 1:25 am
oh ps….here’s a GREAT verse:
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you an stand up under it.”
It’s always encouraging to know that God won’t allow me to be tempted with anything that can beat me, and nothing can when I have Him helping me.